Crotch Mail

3:03:48 PM sikkitten: so how are you?
3:03:58 PM sikkitten: anything new and exciting in the land of CA?
3:05:38 PM weaselbringer: oh yeah, they just implemented free college and a hummer h2 to every citizen, one time only, for california residents
3:05:41 PM weaselbringer: so we’re pretty well off
3:06:07 PM weaselbringer: I’m sure that backwards ass soveriegn goat nation-state you moved to probably has LOTS of great perks, like a pile of beads or something
3:06:07 PM sikkitten:
3:06:25 PM sikkitten: At least half of OUR state isn’t on FIRE
3:07:32 PM sikkitten: yeah.  Got nothin’ to say to that, do you?
3:10:56 PM weaselbringer: sorry I was beating the flames out of my carpet
3:11:02 PM weaselbringer: oh that’s a PRIDE fire
3:11:07 PM weaselbringer: we’re so much more proud than you
3:11:18 PM weaselbringer: In fact, I haven’t even HEARD about your pride fire
3:11:40 PM sikkitten: It’s in our woodstove
3:11:41 PM weaselbringer: you probably live in one of those red states that’s ashamed of themselves, that’s okay,
3:11:49 PM sikkitten: we don’t need to have everyone know
3:11:56 PM sikkitten: WE know we’re proud
3:12:03 PM sikkitten: Um…we’re blue
3:12:36 PM weaselbringer: Yeah the kinda pride you keep hidden away, deep inside, my state can totally beat up your state and ranks higher in per capita gains per citizen
3:13:17 PM sikkitten: We have lower gas prices
3:13:18 PM sikkitten: and
3:13:19 PM sikkitten: snow
3:14:45 PM weaselbringer: actually our gas prices are way down, about 2.40 I think at last check
3:14:58 PM sikkitten: yeah, ours are like 2.19
3:15:23 PM weaselbringer: and of course we have every major climate, including Lake Tahoe for snow, and the desert, forest, ocean, and mountains, as well as plains, farmland and great america (california)
3:15:33 PM weaselbringer: I think your state has snow and crap-heaps as it’s major land mass
3:16:01 PM weaselbringer: maybe the occaisional dead hooker memorial or something
3:16:05 PM sikkitten: I don’t have to go ANYWHERE for snow
3:16:22 PM sikkitten: and there’s flowers growing wild until the late autumn
3:16:31 PM sikkitten: and deers in my front yard
3:16:35 PM weaselbringer: yeah that’s what I’ve been dreaming of, sub zero temperatures and dirty slush outside my house, oooh snow tires and frostbite, where do i sign up??
3:16:45 PM sikkitten: You know you’re jealous
3:16:48 PM sikkitten:
3:16:51 PM weaselbringer: The deer are actually NSA agents, as your state is listed as at-risk
3:17:43 PM sikkitten: We have…um…
3:17:45 PM sikkitten: oh!
3:17:58 PM sikkitten: our convention center is like the greenest building in the world or something
3:18:16 PM sikkitten: Our bloodbank, however, sucks way more than the BB of the Redwoods
3:18:29 PM sikkitten: and I don’t mean that it’s staffed by vampires
3:18:34 PM sikkitten: ’cause that would be cool
3:30:31 PM weaselbringer: blood just rains from the sky here now,
3:30:36 PM weaselbringer: it’s pretty sweet
3:31:14 PM weaselbringer: we just took all the homeless people and “juiced” them, so now when you need a transplant, you just hold your skin open in the rain, we’re almost a perfect culture

Dear Connie,

I know the counselor said we shouldn’t contact each other during our “cooling off” period, but I couldn’t wait anymore.

The day you left, I swore I’d never talk to you again but that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first on to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride’s cost me a lot of things. I’m tired of pretending I don’t miss you. I don’t care about looking bad anymore. I don’t care who makes the first move as long as one of us does. Maybe it’s time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt.

This is what my heart says “There’s no one like you, Connie. I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they’re not you. They’re not even close.”

Two weeks ago I met this girl at Flamingos and brought her home with me. I don’t say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation. She was young, maybe 19 with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. Tits like you wouldn’t believe and ass that just wouldn’t quit. Every man’s dream, right?

As I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we’ve made important in our lives. It’s all so superficial. What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes, but you see what I’m getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my modestly attractive Connie? I doubt it. And I’d never really thought of that before. I don’t know, maybe I’m just growing up a little.

Later, after I’d tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, “Why do I feel so drained and empty?” It wasn’t just her flawless technique or her slutty shameless hunger; but something also, some nagging feeling of loss. Why did it feel incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn’t feel the same because you weren’t there to watch. Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus, Connie, I’m just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you.

Do you remember Carol that single mom we met at the Holiday Inn lounge last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she figured I wasn’t eating right without a woman around. I didn’t know what she meant till later; but that’s not the real story. Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know we’re banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart’s a total monster in the sack. She’s giving me everything, you know, like a real woman does when she’s not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can hear us. And all of the sudden, she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother’s old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves and it’s totally hot, but it makes e sad too because I can’t help thinking “Why didn’t Connie ever put the mirror on the floor? We’ve had this old vanity for what, 14 years and we never used it as a sex toy.”

Saturday your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Vickie’s just a kid and all, but she’s got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she’s been a real friend to me during this painful time. She’s given me lots of good advice about you and about women in general. She’s pulling for us to get back together. Connie, she really is.

So we’re doing Jell-O shots in a hot bath and taking about happier times. Here’s this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looks like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry. And then it turns out Vicky’s really into the whole anal thing, and that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fueled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I’m thrusting inside your baby sister’s cinnamon ring all I can do is think of you? It’s true Connie. In your heart you must know it. Don’t you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances away and start fresh? I think we can. If you feel the same please please please, let me know.

Otherwise, can you let me know where the fucking remote is?

Love Dan